


In my head

by Greta_Delacour



Category: Drabbles - Fandom
Genre: Drabble, Established Relationship, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Long-Distance Relationship, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23706382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Greta_Delacour/pseuds/Greta_Delacour
Summary: Just some drabbles of me thinking.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	1. The Distance

Is it possible to fall in love through texts? And when you’re few thousand miles away from each other? It definitely is. I just couldn’t figure out how. When you have both never been in a relationship, do you really know the feeling of being in love?

You can talk all you want, video chat every day and night, but it’s still not enough to be a relationship. Even if you have the feeling inside your stomach whenever the other person texts you, deep down you know, that this is not the way to go.

I’m not going to lie, it was really nice the first few days. It was just harmless flirt. Or so I thought. As the days gone by, it was getting more serious. And as the days went on some more, I realized, that we were falling. Not that it was a bad thing. I just couldn’t get fully into it without at least some physical contact. And that was the problem. Few thousand miles. 

If you’re asking if the three magic words were spoken, I can tell you that yes, they were. Perhaps Iin the heat of the moment, when we were both on the edge of something. Maybe it was the distance that made us braver and more open about each other. We texted, so you could really think about what you wanted to write. So when the words have dropped I wasn’t as shocked as I would have been, if he was closer. And I said them back. I’m not saying I didn’t mean them, because I did. But after thinking about it more, I realized that this time, I couldn’t have what I wanted.

That was the problem. This could have potentially worked, if there wasn’t the distance between us. It wasn’t our tim and place to decide what this is going to be. If it would have worked out, you wouldn’t be reading about it. And I wanted it to work out. I genuinely wanted. But this time, my brain had to take over.

Going into this, I used them half and half. Brain, so that I knew what to talk about and how, heart, to make a new friendship. As it went on, the internal battle between the two started. My rational part knew, that this could not be more than a friendship. There is no other option. Yet, but nonetheless. But my heart craved for the feelings. Feeling of being wanted. Being desired. It was more than a crush.

It wasn’t love. I couldn’t do that to myself. Give myself the fake hope in something, that wasn’t even in the foreseeable future. Our lives, so similar, yet so very different. He has his way, and I have mine. We will definitely see each other in a few months, maybe a year. But I don’t know what’s going to happen. I am slightly nervous about it. This isn’t something that you can brush away. Like I said this was more than a crush.

I couldn’t reject him. I still can’t. But rights now, life is not on our side. Of course I’m sad, but I know it’s going to work out one way or the other. I don’t want to lose him. As a friend and, who knows, maybe something more.

This the text that I sent him, about me, not wanting to hurt him.

,, Hey, so I really, really, really like you. And I don’t want you to think that I don’t when I say this. I’m just not sure what love is right now. Maybe because I have never felt it. And right now, love is a really strong word to describe what is going on with us. And for me to say it and really, truly, honestly mean it, it needs to be more than just a talk through Skype and message on WhatsApp. So don’t take this as a rejection, because that’s also not it. I just don’t want to hang onto something that I don’t know if it’s gonna work. Because I like you, but right now I don’t think it’s our time.

Written on the 17th of April


	2. The Dream

We kissed. In my dream. But we kissed. There wasn’t tongue or anything like that. We just kissed like three times. And it’s getting really hard not say something and talk about it. Even though we talked about multiple times. And right now, it fucking hurts not to able to express my feelings, because subconsciously I can’t let myself do that, because I know there’s no future to it. Which fucking sucks because every day more and more I want it to have future. Or to have something at least. I never thought that I’d cry for this, but I am. Maybe it’s love, I don’t know for sure. I don’t know what going one. Yesterday I wanted to talk about my feelings. I was tired and slightly delirious which definitely helped to ease my nerves. But I didn’t. I don’t know why, maybe I should have said something. I should have asked how he feels.

And I did. Now were on the same page. And life is good. We talk and flirt like nothing happened. And it sucks to be apart but right now it’s all we can do. And for now, it may be enough, but later it may be harder to stay apart.

Written on the 10th of May.


	3. The Love

It’s not good to mope around. But its times like these I can’t help it. I feel hopeless. We can’t see each other, be with each other. I am happy. But I’m also incredibly sad were so far apart. Its times like these I wish for one hug. Not even a kiss, I just need one hug. I need reassurance that he’s here. Not that I don’t believe he’s here, but being physically together would make it even more real.

Our teacher asked us if we were or are on love. I so desperately wanted to say that I am, but the only thing ppl cared about is this other girl. No one even waited for anyone to say something. People just assume that she’s the one that got lucky. Hypocrites. I can’t even imagine what they would say to the fact that I am actually happy and happily in love. They would laugh, for sure. They would say that there’s not one person that would love me. They would say that I’m imagining it and it’s not real. Act as they see into my head. They would ask stupid questions... I just wish I could speak about it openly not just with my friends.

And maybe we are stupid kids in love right now. And maybe we don’t really know what love feels like and maybe we will know when were together. They ay distance makes the heart grow fonder. Right now distance is killing my heart. I’m glad were stupid kids in love. I just wish we could be stupid kids in love without few thousand miles between us.

Written on the 23rd of May.


	4. The Aftermath

I heard people say that friends to lovers is the easiest transition. Truth be told it is not. When you’re friends, you’re comfortable saying anything and everything around them. No remorse. You feel like you trust them with your whole life and heart, but not in a romantic way. But the transitional stage is weird. You don’t really know how the person feel, what you’re feeling cause it’s all jumbled up in you. And when you fall in love it’s even more different. The friend element is still there, but it’s different. This connection is deeper and you are trusting them not only with your life but also your heart. And at first, it’s kinda hard to give yourself away like that. But at the same time, it’s also beautiful. And in the end, it’s also very painful. And to go back from lovers to friends hurts even more. Also to be in the receiving end of it.

This way I’d like to apologize to the person who had to be on that end. I never ever intended to hurt you they way I did. And I’m so very sorry. I hope you’ll fine happiness even if I couldn’t give it to you.

Written on the 27th of October.


	5. The Regret

They say first loves hurt the most. Well I can officially say that it is true. Hurt like hell. And it’s even worse when you have regrets. The pain doubles and you’re left in a situation when you don’t know who you are what you’re doing, why you did what you did and there’s no way to take it all back no matter how much you want to right now. That moment when you realise you lost it all hits you like a fuckin train. You think you don’t feel anything when you think about that person, but you actually do. Your chest tightens with a feeling you can’t describe. It’s a mix between anxiety, longing, sadness, remorse. And again, hurts like hell. And there’s no way to get over it. And that’s the ultimate punishment. For me at least.

I feel like I ruined our relationship with just one rash decision. I most definitely did, at least for the time being. Which hurts like hell, let me tell you that.

Written on the 28th of October.

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me trying to figure things out. Enjoy, or not idc.


End file.
